Dune

Let me tell you about something remarkable. A movie so impressed me that I’m dying to tell you about it. I’m positively giddy. How couldn’t I be? It’s the worst movie ever, and I’ve watched it somewhere in the realm of a dozen times. For me it’s one of those adolescent artifacts that nobody ever tells you is going to stubbornly stick with you like pencil lead under the skin, or that tiny red spot under my right eye. Actually, they’re like neither of those things, because the culture you haplessly consume in teenagerdom is infectious, ever aspiring to bring everyone else down to its level. For this reason I never stop quoting "The Simpsons", or--ugh--"Monty Python and the Holy Grail". Psychoanalysis gets it right, but misses the point: Yes, we're doomed to endlessly repeat our childhood traumas, but more importantly we're doomed to repeat the inane television we watched when we were twelve.

Of course, not every thing I gobbled back then comes back up tasting entirely of disease. For instance, The Far Side has left indelible bite-marks in my consciousness. I remember one strip quite clearly, in which two crocodiles, distended bellies up, are laying on a beach. In a smashed-up boat, the empty clothing and effects of two humans are at the happy crocodiles' feet. One crocodile says to the other: “wow, that was incredible--pink, soft all the way through, no bones, or nothin’.” Which is a perfect description of the movie in question, “Dune”. It really is an achievement--a movie this long without the slightest hint of tension or movement.

People talk about the intricately plotted political intrigue in Frank Herbert's book. Don't believe them. I've read it, and can say unequivocally that they're imagining things. Of course, I don't remember one word of the book, but that's not the point. I probably can't remember any of it either because I was too of a piece with Herbert’s version of eastern wisdom, or because I, like David Lynch, was reading only for atmosphere. The resulting movie is pure atmosphere--hazy, ridiculous, Lynchian atmosphere. Maybe he too read it ensconced in a canyon crevice in Utah, soaking up Desertness and the most stiltedly philosophical navel-gazers you’ve ever met. Of course I was--the characters were just as bad as me. (Okay, I take it back, I guess I remember something, after all.) In any case, all the movie can remember of the complex politics (if there ever were any) is one line: “I see plans within plans."

Personally, all I see, in close-up, is the fascinatingly not-quite vaginal animatronic monster mouth that utters this--a drooping, undulating thing that in all other parts of the movie spews orange at planets. Apparently, this is the effect of being mutated over a period of 4,000 years by an expensive substance. "But," you interject, "4,000 years seems a bit exaggerated. I've had mornings like that." But did your vomit fold space? That's what these entitled, pink whales do all day, floating around in amniotic fluid with their stubby t-rex arms stiffly outstretched: They're master origamists. I can still see these creatures clearly because I recall all the surreal imagery whose inexplicable, banal haunting is the hallmark of decent sci-fi (well, not entirely inexplicable, and not always decent--one doesn't need much of an imagination to explain how the Enterprise's shapely hull and ample nacelles compel as surely as a hot dog), and I recall the silly dialog, but I do not recall any of it adding up to anything.

“Hey!” 16-year-old me rebuts, “there’s a story!” Sure. I’ll recount it: Ambitious boy wants to impress father. Family goes on an adventure to this crazy-dry place (researching it on his 102nd-century iPad, the boy recites, with some concentration, “Arrakis. Dune. Desert planet,” and we wonder how a script of such breathtaking efficiency managed to fit so little in over two hours). There father and son make mega bank off of, err, spice (sound familiar?). Father’s fat, gross, homo, evil nemesis attacks. Father dies. Precocious boy finds way of impressing dead father by going Lawrence of Arabia on Father’s nemesis’ fat ass. Unlike Lawrence, boy is not crazy, and really is messiah. Montages of training his native army and blowing shit up. Together, boy, Patrick Stewart, and army of white Taoist Arabs storm the evil palace by shouting at it (the palace offers that much resistance). And how can this be? For he is the Kwisatz Haderach! (Which is what? The most apparent--and aggravating--explanation offered is that “there is a place terrifying to us--to women--that we dare not go.” Gosh, thank god our hero dares to!)

There is no contingency in this series of events. Never are we led to believe that something else could happen. We never think "oh no! What if they fall off the back of that huge sandworm they're riding, and the whole evil palace takedown is a bust?" Well, okay, I did think that (man, riding sandworms looks precarious), but I never actually doubted that they would triumph. Which makes it not much of a triumph. Things just happen. Movies that seem to go on without me are not, it turns out, what thrill me, but rather movies that seem to play with my expectations, to be engaging with me, or--just as good if not better--manipulating me. Engagement with "Dune" is entirely unnecessary, because it doesn’t make the story any more interesting. Which is an odd coincidence, because intense, focused engagement appears to be the protagonist’s only attitude toward the world. It’s this universe’s whole shtick, really: the discipline of the mind. That’s why we’re always hearing everyone’s thoughts in voice-over, in imitation of the book’s endless italics. These are not, however, the thoughts of people engaged with any aspect of the world. For people allegedly possessed of precognition, they sound profoundly dimwitted. Often they just narrate what’s going on in the movie, because someone rightly guessed it would be too incoherent otherwise. At one point the boy and his mother are tied up in the back of an evil black hovercraft. His mother is gagged, because, playing out the misogynistic fears of men everywhere, their captors are afraid her voice will trick them. She’s a witch! Burn her! (I told you "The Holy Grail" could not be purged.) So, little omnisex god that he is, the boy decides to trick them with his witchy, reverbed voice. “He’s trying the voice!” we hear her think. Whoa now. Let’s not get too hasty.

When the characters' voluble thoughts aren’t stating the obvious, they're super-suspicious. Meeting someone new, the future messiah thinks “he’s hiding something.” Following a scene during which he stares at this someone intently, he astutely deduces “he's hiding many things.” He reminds me of myself at my worst, convinced that if I just look at someone hard enough, I will suddenly understand them whole. It’s as if the movie is full of Watsons--all aspiring to be Sherlocks, all falling short. However, rather than this condition of amateurism leaving them with an erotic longing for the real thing, they are all satisfied with their dead-end observations. Maybe when humanity expunged computers from the universe, Twitter took up permanent residence in their thoughts. On that note, snark seems to have gone the same way as the internet, leaving us with ingenuousness the likes of which God has never seen, and an interrogative that I suspect is directed through the fourth wall: “I have NO FEELINGS!! Why?”

Maybe this awarenessless awareness is what this movie has afflicted me with. I parrot its absurd, hyperbolic lines with as much mindfulness as a meme. Lynch and those other people involved in the movie (whom fans decry, as if waiting on the horizon of this movie is his untainted masterpiece) have unintentionally created a movie for postmodernist intellectuals to masturbate about: It obviates narrative entirely, leaving oddly memorable bits of speech to float without context and work their insidious way meaninglessly into the audience. Speaking of which, oh, fuck it, here you go:

“I will kill you!”

“I will bend like a reed in the wind.”

“Not in the mood? Mood is a thing for cattle, and loveplay, not fighting!”

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer.”

“I, Baron Vladimir Harkonnan, will encompass their doom!”

“Tell me of your homeworld, usul.”

“Stop your speaking!”

“Give me spice!”

“They tried and failed?”
“No, they tried and died!”